,, In all disorder, a secret order. — Carl Jung

identity pride //

I’ve never celebrated a pride month. 

See, I’ve always identified with my assigned birth gender, a she/her woman & I’ve always assumed I was straight. Why not? I have no desire to touch or even see a boob. I have no place in pride spaces, I’d thought. (& pretty much still do. Yikes.)

Background::

mepride

I was in a long term, unhealthy & dare-I-say abusive relationship in my late teens to early twenties with this boy a couple years older than me. This post isn’t quite dissecting that part of my past yet, so I’ll glaze over with: I’m glad I’m out.  //Okay, the reason I brought that up though, is because he stifled my growth in any & every way he could. Including me discovering anything liberal about myself. Including me realizing my non-desire for a boyfriend all through high-school (this guy was my first everything btw) was something bigger. In my head I would think thoughts about sex I had no terminology for, but if I verbalized them to him I was silenced. Why didn’t I think about the act like, ever. Why did it feel good, but without the itch for it? I wanted him in the beginning, thinking he was cute but not needing fulfillment. Why did it feel so off?

SO ANYWAY, towards the end of my first relationship, my naive-ass only was just beginning to realize he had been cheating on me. I didn’t care. I mean, I super cared he had lied, but I felt no jealousy towards him with other girls. It was a big shock. //In a society where infidelity is one of our big taboos. THOU SHALT NOT… & all that. I thought I should care! But I didn’t.

So where did that leave me?

Opening our relationship up, & within days feeling comfortable for once being able to pursue experiences I otherwise would have never. He couldn’t handle it. Well, he wasn’t polyamorous. & I am open to the experience should a person capture me to. Thankfully, I’m now in a mature & talked through relationship with a man who knows me & still encourages me to be who I am. Who am I?

I identify, finally, after all this chatting, as demisexual. What’s that?
I do not feel sexual attraction, or desire/need for it. I do not think most any bodies are “sexy.” What’s that even mean? Nothing important to me.  //I can enjoy the act however. & I can take pleasure by knowing I’m making my partner happy. But honestly, there’s no hunger. & that used to bother me.

In fact, it got me taken advantage of a few times but… that’s another piece.

But what’s important is that I’m learning to not let it bother me anymore. I’ve always been aware that I am not the “typical,” but I never thought I could find the niche I fit. Do I fit? The discourse in the community is that the asexuality spectrum does not belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. & as far as society cares my sex & gender align & I’m dating a man. Okay, good to go. I may be black, & they turn up their noses at that. But at least I’m sexually “normal” right? Ugh.

I wish people everywhere would say outloud: “I am straight. I am gay. I could love two people. I could/I should/I am ______” & see how it feels. Just sit with the words that came out of your mouth & let it resonate. Have you ever really let yourself explore the depths in variety of who you are & could be? Who were you 4 years ago? My, how you’ve changed. Wow, how I’ve.  & that’s good. Let it flow.

I guess this pride month, I will reflect on myself & who I am & be thankful I live in a time where I have the information & tools to understand better. & I know that has come at the sacrifice of closeted, hurt, segregated & killed LGBTQIA+ people in history & today.

I recognize my privilege in passing society’s standard.  I can only correct stereotype or misunderstandings, etc. where I can, & accept those who are not like me. //How I wish there were no mold, & only amoeba abstract ideas of what “human” should be & do & accomplish. …I guess my contribution is writing what I feel, no matter the looks I’ll get. Talk about it.

Souls are a spectrum of manifestation & there is no WAY to be.
It’s like telling water be wet.

So,
be who you are. & do it unapologetically.  //

 

-A polyamorous demisexy girl

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